The end of lockdown jitters…I am terrified now….

I can understand the fear of people not wanting the lockdown to end until totally safe.

I took the dog out of a walk today and I was already apprehensive at even stepping foot outside the front door. I looked at my gorgeous JRT and knew that he had waited long enough as he had started to dig up my plants and he only does that when he is bored.

Anyway I put his lead on him and unlocked the door. I took my sharp intake of breath and I cannot wear a mask as my glasses steam up and I cannot see….which is of no use to me or anyone. So out of the front gate and down the alleyway I go..

The first five minutes was good and the air was beautiful with a blue sky and lovely sun and I decided to stay on the track at the back of home and thought 6 times round that should be good…it equates to two miles.

Well…it was the most distressing time I have ever had. The place was full of people and bikes….they don’t even try to keep away from you. There were families meeting and I know a few and no they don’t live together which left me in annoyed state as I have not seen my grandchildren….but just decided to listen to my history programme whilst enjoying the sun and trying to ignore them.

Well ignore them was not the option as everyone was determined to walk in the middle of the path and not give way….which resulted in me having to walk in the grassed area and bitten by all flying insects, dodging the dog droppings and get more and more upset at the lack of manners and their lack of concern.

You see when I walk I need a walking stick as I had broken my neck and spine in a RTA and I don’t walk very fast….but not one person moved or even attempted to get out of the way and instead to ensure I was 6ft apart I moved and I could not believe the tuts and the language because I did. It was shameful and they did this in front of children…shame on them.

I managed 20 minutes and was in such a state that I had to go home and told my husband who cannot go out that I cannot do that again, and thankfully my son will come with me tomorrow but we are going very very early as the thought of meeting people makes me feel so uncomfortable. My eldest son lives with us so we are not like the others I meet out…

I cannot get over the fear I felt at actually being outside and it is ridiculous. I am a 50 plus something woman and been in the Army, but the thought that something was lurking outside was frightening me and it is not a nice feeling. I don’t know how the people who break the lockdown rules do so without thought or consideration of others….it is truly scary and I don’t know what will happen when they give us the all clear. I don’t even think then that I go out and about but will have to do so slowly as I was feeling sick, sweating and terrified and I know I will not be the only one. My own mother is terrified too and I know I should be braver but the thought that this invisible enemy can create such havoc and we cannot see it nor know we have it until in some cases it is too late.

I know one thing and that is my admiration for those health care workers who go out everyday and face this demon down are truly the heroes.

I know I have to face it again tomorrow and it is in my own head and that is something I have to think about and try to get over for my mental health sake and the health of my dog, as he is suffering and starting to feel depressed and it is not fair….so tomorrow I will swallow a large amount of steely determination and venture out with my son and avoid everyone and hopefully tomorrow will have nothing to get distressed about.

Published by pointsofsue

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